Who am I kidding?

It is amazing how you can be going through life thinking things are ok and then wham, you get hit with reality. That is what happened to me today. I knew my life was not the greatest, but I didn't realize how bad it really was. I realized today that I have been kidding myself with how things are. I am a fool for going to school. I can't do this, I am not that smart. All I have done is waste time and money. Why in the world did I think that I could do something like this? What was I thinking? That is just my point, I was not thinking just like the rest of my life. I don't think about what I do, I just do things. I decided to go to school without thinking about how stupid I am for doing it. I can't keep up with everything I need to so I can pass classes and get a degree. I guess when they kick me out of school I will learn that this is just not for me. Of course why should school be any different from anything else? I can't get/keep a good job. I can't even get my own place or at least move out of my parent's house. I can't even get someone to love me when they have a choice. I know my family loves me, but they don't have much of a choice there. Who was I kidding, thinking that I could actually do anything. All I am is a screw up and that is all I have done with my life; one screw up after another. I drove everyone who may have cared away, I get myself kicked out of school(or I am going to) and I drive my work crazy to the point where I am sure they want to fire me. Maybe I just need to go back to the darkness, at least there I can't screw things up or hurt other people or make them crazy. Maybe one day I will learn that I need to just face reality and stop trying to fool everyone including myself.

The beauty of the West

As I was walking through school, I decided to go to the second floor and outside. That way I could look around better. I looked out to the west and I saw Utah Lake, and the mountains. I began to think. Everything starts in the east. The sun rises and starts the day and the moon rises and starts the night. So if everything starts in the east does that mean it all ends in the west? That is my new idea. We are told that the Savior will come from the east, to start His reign. That was the first and main thought that help me realize the west equals the end. I could be wrong on that, but to me it makes sense. I have to admit that I stood there and stared out to the west for almost an hour, just thinking of everything. I always did like the west, because I loved watching the sunset on a cool night. The way the sun would slowly go away and the way the clouds would change colors. Just how it would feel like it was all saying the day is over. Or how the moon would slowly disapear as the sun rises from the east and ends the night and starts a new day. Bringing forth light and hope with it. Some people may love the east and the fact that there is hope in starting something new, but as for me right now, my heart is towards the west.

Surprise Surprise

I have no idea why I should be surprised. I have seen the signs for months, but I chose to be an idiot and ignore them. It is just hard when you fall in love with someone who doesn't love you. I thought that she did and I hope that she did, but at last I find that her words are true. She doesn't love me. Part of me still says it can't be true. How can years and years of love be gone in months? That is easy to answer, I just don't like the answer. Why do I fall in love with someone who ends up just loving someone else? They say the hardest thing to do is watch the one you love love someone else; well I have done that a few times now. You figure I would learn that love is just not for me. It hurts to much to stand here and see that I am not what she needs or wants. "How it hurts to be a no one. How I wish that I was somone truely loved." Once again I am a fool. Only a fool would think that I would have anything to offer somone. That I was someone worthy of marrying. It is clear that I was just kidding myself by thinking I was. I have had enough woman tell me that I am worthy of marriage, just to have them end up in the arms of someone else. I am tired of being dumped so they can be with someone else, or because they "want to draw closer to God," or "to find themselves." I am tired of not being good enough for anyone. If you don't want to be with me, then tell me. Don't waste my time and make me fall in love with you, just to have you leave. Maybe I had it right, love is just a four letter word and nothing but. Maybe it is time that I become numb again. Maybe that is the only way I can stop thinking about her. She is everything to me, but yet I feel like I am nothing to her. How big of a fool can I be? I have to be a big fool, because nothing I do will let me forget her and move on. the truth is I could never stop loving her. No matter how hard I try and how much I would like to, I can't. I know what some may say, "Steve you will find someone." Well I don't want to find anyone else. Simple as that. I have found the one I want to be with and she rejected me. I will never find anyone like her, so what is the point of trying. So, to the couple of women that I have ever loved; I wish ya'll the best. I hope that you have true happiness, the kind that last forever. And I hope that the man you choose can give it to you. I hope and pray that you always put God first and trust Him. I hope that the man you choose to be with, also puts God first. Otherwise you will never be happy. Thanks for the good times. I will remember them always. Oh, and "Thank you for curing me of my ridiculous obsession with love!"

Confusion

Sometimes in life you hit a block. This block prevents you from seeing anything but the problem. You can't see the solution or even where you are going. I recently discovered that I have hit this sort of block. I have this problem that is causing a lot of confusion in my life. I know what I want and I am trying to do what I can so I can obtain it. To my schooling for an example. I want to get my teaching degree so I am doing what I can so I can get it. But other things, I am not sure if I can have them. From time to time(feels like once in a blue moon) there are times that I feel I can have them. But most of them time there is this coldness or distance that I get. I just don't know what to do anymore. I try and solve the problem, I try and work things out, but nothing works. Like I said one moment everything is fine and then the next, everything went out of control. And when I try and figure out what happend, I end up getting yelled at or making things worse. I hate being confused. I wish that there was an easy answer on this one. I could use it right about now.