Who am I kidding?

It is amazing how you can be going through life thinking things are ok and then wham, you get hit with reality. That is what happened to me today. I knew my life was not the greatest, but I didn't realize how bad it really was. I realized today that I have been kidding myself with how things are. I am a fool for going to school. I can't do this, I am not that smart. All I have done is waste time and money. Why in the world did I think that I could do something like this? What was I thinking? That is just my point, I was not thinking just like the rest of my life. I don't think about what I do, I just do things. I decided to go to school without thinking about how stupid I am for doing it. I can't keep up with everything I need to so I can pass classes and get a degree. I guess when they kick me out of school I will learn that this is just not for me. Of course why should school be any different from anything else? I can't get/keep a good job. I can't even get my own place or at least move out of my parent's house. I can't even get someone to love me when they have a choice. I know my family loves me, but they don't have much of a choice there. Who was I kidding, thinking that I could actually do anything. All I am is a screw up and that is all I have done with my life; one screw up after another. I drove everyone who may have cared away, I get myself kicked out of school(or I am going to) and I drive my work crazy to the point where I am sure they want to fire me. Maybe I just need to go back to the darkness, at least there I can't screw things up or hurt other people or make them crazy. Maybe one day I will learn that I need to just face reality and stop trying to fool everyone including myself.

The beauty of the West

As I was walking through school, I decided to go to the second floor and outside. That way I could look around better. I looked out to the west and I saw Utah Lake, and the mountains. I began to think. Everything starts in the east. The sun rises and starts the day and the moon rises and starts the night. So if everything starts in the east does that mean it all ends in the west? That is my new idea. We are told that the Savior will come from the east, to start His reign. That was the first and main thought that help me realize the west equals the end. I could be wrong on that, but to me it makes sense. I have to admit that I stood there and stared out to the west for almost an hour, just thinking of everything. I always did like the west, because I loved watching the sunset on a cool night. The way the sun would slowly go away and the way the clouds would change colors. Just how it would feel like it was all saying the day is over. Or how the moon would slowly disapear as the sun rises from the east and ends the night and starts a new day. Bringing forth light and hope with it. Some people may love the east and the fact that there is hope in starting something new, but as for me right now, my heart is towards the west.

Surprise Surprise

I have no idea why I should be surprised. I have seen the signs for months, but I chose to be an idiot and ignore them. It is just hard when you fall in love with someone who doesn't love you. I thought that she did and I hope that she did, but at last I find that her words are true. She doesn't love me. Part of me still says it can't be true. How can years and years of love be gone in months? That is easy to answer, I just don't like the answer. Why do I fall in love with someone who ends up just loving someone else? They say the hardest thing to do is watch the one you love love someone else; well I have done that a few times now. You figure I would learn that love is just not for me. It hurts to much to stand here and see that I am not what she needs or wants. "How it hurts to be a no one. How I wish that I was somone truely loved." Once again I am a fool. Only a fool would think that I would have anything to offer somone. That I was someone worthy of marrying. It is clear that I was just kidding myself by thinking I was. I have had enough woman tell me that I am worthy of marriage, just to have them end up in the arms of someone else. I am tired of being dumped so they can be with someone else, or because they "want to draw closer to God," or "to find themselves." I am tired of not being good enough for anyone. If you don't want to be with me, then tell me. Don't waste my time and make me fall in love with you, just to have you leave. Maybe I had it right, love is just a four letter word and nothing but. Maybe it is time that I become numb again. Maybe that is the only way I can stop thinking about her. She is everything to me, but yet I feel like I am nothing to her. How big of a fool can I be? I have to be a big fool, because nothing I do will let me forget her and move on. the truth is I could never stop loving her. No matter how hard I try and how much I would like to, I can't. I know what some may say, "Steve you will find someone." Well I don't want to find anyone else. Simple as that. I have found the one I want to be with and she rejected me. I will never find anyone like her, so what is the point of trying. So, to the couple of women that I have ever loved; I wish ya'll the best. I hope that you have true happiness, the kind that last forever. And I hope that the man you choose can give it to you. I hope and pray that you always put God first and trust Him. I hope that the man you choose to be with, also puts God first. Otherwise you will never be happy. Thanks for the good times. I will remember them always. Oh, and "Thank you for curing me of my ridiculous obsession with love!"

Confusion

Sometimes in life you hit a block. This block prevents you from seeing anything but the problem. You can't see the solution or even where you are going. I recently discovered that I have hit this sort of block. I have this problem that is causing a lot of confusion in my life. I know what I want and I am trying to do what I can so I can obtain it. To my schooling for an example. I want to get my teaching degree so I am doing what I can so I can get it. But other things, I am not sure if I can have them. From time to time(feels like once in a blue moon) there are times that I feel I can have them. But most of them time there is this coldness or distance that I get. I just don't know what to do anymore. I try and solve the problem, I try and work things out, but nothing works. Like I said one moment everything is fine and then the next, everything went out of control. And when I try and figure out what happend, I end up getting yelled at or making things worse. I hate being confused. I wish that there was an easy answer on this one. I could use it right about now.

Thank God for Kids

Kids have some amazing abilites. They have a greater understanding of this world then we could ever imagine. Yesterday I went to see if my car would pass saftey and emissions. I had a feeling it wouldn't and of course I was right. I was not having the best of days, I was frustrated with a lot of things. While I was in the waiting area, there was a little girl there. She was just in her own little world like many kids do when they are bored. She stopped for a second and looked at me. I tried to force a good fake smile at her, but I knew she could see right through it. She looked a little sad at the fact that I was not happy. Then she started to "show off" for me. I knew she was trying to make me feel better. And of course being the cute little girl she was, she did make me smile and feel better. Sadly to say that feeling didn't last long, but it is amazing how she did what she could to make me smile at least for a moment in time. Just think how better this world would be if we could all be like kids, and just make this world as happy and great as we could. Instead of just trying to survive it from day to day. All I have to say is thank God for kids.

Ain't it Funny

I think it is funny how things work. Take this as an example; I put my heart out there and had some of the greatest moments of my life because of it. I learned how to love again and I would not trade that for anything. Well now that I screwed that relationship up, it is funny how my heart won't let go. I hear plenty of people saying it is over. In fact I have heard it from the one I love that it is over. But for some reason, my heart doesn't want to listen. It still holds on to hope. It just refuses to let go. And because of that there is a lot of pain and depression. It is what happens when you love someone and they don't want to love you back. I know she doesn't love me and I know she will never love me, so why can't I let go and move on? Why do I still hope that one day, against everything, she will come back? Why can't I get her out of my head? Why is it that no matter what I do I can hear that wonderful laugh of hers and see those beautiful eyes? I guess my mind can't get over her either. Why did I have to love someone so wonderful and then screw that up? Why? I know nothing I say or do will make her change her mind, so why hold on? Another thing that is funny is how I can go my whole life without any regret until I had the chance to be with her. She came into my life and we started dating. Little did I know I was going to have a huge regret coming. My regret is not that I was with her, but that I was too stupid to not marry her when I had the chance. She is everything I wanted in a women and I let her slip through my fingers. Ain't it funny?

"Heard a joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says "But, doctor...I am Pagliacci." Good joke"

Hope

There I am, surrounded by darkness. I walk around trying to find the light or anything for that matter. I keep expecting to run into something or trip over something. But there is nothing there but me and the darkness. I begin to lose hope of finding anything in this darkness. I don't even know where I am or how far I traveled. I figure that I am doomed to stay in this darkness and I start to embrace my fate.

Suddenly there is something a head of me. I can't make it out. I start running to it, screaming for someone. I realize that there is a light around a person. "Who are you," I yell as I keep running to them. There is no response. As I get closer I see that it is a women. She is beautiful. Her brown hair with some red in it is blowing from a gently breeze. I can finally see her eyes, and I am amazed by them. They are so beautiful. I can see so much love and hope inside of them. I stare into her eyes for what seem like hours. All she does is stare back at me. I try to talk to her, but she remains silent. She looks familar as though I have known her from a previous life or from a wonderful dream. I break away from those gorgeous eyes of her, and realize that the darkness is gone. There are suddenly trees and flowers and grass. You can hear birds singing in the trees. Sounds of a stream with water trickling down is heard but not seen. Feelings of peace and love are in the air. There is the blueset sky that you have ever seen. The sun is shining, but that is not why there is light. The light is coming from the essence of this women. I am no longer confused or feel lonely. Everything feels right and good.

As she remains silent, she turns around and starts to walk away. She moves with such grace that it looks as though she is floating. The light follows her, and I can see the darkness coming closer to me. Feelings of lost and confusion are returning to me. I start to run after her, holding on to those good feelings. But no matter how fast I run I can't catch her. I am calling out to her to stop and to come back to me. I need her and that light that she has inside of her. I can't live in the darkness anymore. After all those feelings, and after looking into those eyes, I know that I can't live without her. I start to get tired from running after her. She gets further and further away from me. The darkness gets closer. And just as fast as she appeared, she is once again gone. How can this be? How can I lose her? How can I get her to come back to me and light up my life? I struggle to find the answer to any of these questions. I begin to lose any hope I have of finding her again. I rack my brain trying to find out why she looks familar. That may hold the key to finding her. Nothing comes to mind and I realize that I lost her. Somehow, because of me, she is gone and is not coming back. Why must I be a fool and let her leave?

The darkness surrounds me again. The trees and flowers and grass are gone. I can no longer her the birds sing or the water. Everything is gone, and that includes the hope that I had. Why would she ever want to come back to this darkness? She can find someone just as beautiful as she that has this light as well. Tears fall down as I realize it is over, and I have lost.

I wake up in a cold sweat. I look around trying to let my eyes focus in the darkness. That couldn't be real, that had to be just a dream. My eyes can finally pierce the darkness and I see that I am in my room. I reach up and turn on the lamp that is above my head. As it clicks on my eyes immediately go straight to the picture of her. She looks just as beautiful as she did in my dream. Once again all those feelings of peace and love come rushing to me. But most importanly, feelings of hope are back. It was just a dream. It is not over yet and I still have a chance.

Making a difference

So this past week was not the best for me. But through it all I had a few good experiences. One was when I was talking with a good friend(not sure if she wants to be named or not). Talking to her I realized how far she has come. When we first met after I got home from my mission, she was not ready for the gospel. I wanted to push her to come back, but I knew it would do no good. Slowly over time she started to realize the joy and blessings that come from living the gospel. Now she is strong in the gospel. I am really impressed with how far she has come and how far she will go. She is working on getting her patriarchal blessing and one day going to the temple.

Part of this change in her is because I was there and willing to help when she needed it. It makes me feel good that I was able to help one of God's daughters to come back to Him. What is even more amazing, is now she helps me out. We all are imperfect and we all need someone to lean on for support. I was able to do that for her and now she does it for me.

As some of you may know, I feel like I didn't do much on my mission and the main reason for that is because I did not always see the end result. But now I was able to see one. I am glad that I was around and able to help her. I have a few others that need some work, but I too am working on them. I have no doubt that in time they too will come back. I guess it is true that you are always a missionary.

"And if it so be that you should labor all your days in crying repentance unto this people, and bring save it be one soul unto me, how great shall be your joy with him in the kingdom of my Father. And now, if your joy will be great with one soul that you have brought unto me into the kingdom of my Father, how great will be your joy if you should bring many souls unto me." (Doctrine and Covenants 18:15-16)

School's Out For The Summer!!!

So today I finished my last final for the spring semester. It was actually pretty easy today, all we did was play a game. I am not completly sure on what my grades are for this semester, but I am sure that I did pretty well. I also finally picked a major. I am going into Math Education. I am a little scared about that major, but I figure it is about time I choose something and work on it.
So far I don't really have plans for the summer. I am going to go to Texas at the end of May so I can go see my sister and her family. I also just got some tickets to go to a concert in July. Other then those events, I will probably just take it easy and go with the flow.

Update on me.

This is just a quick update on what I am doing and what has happened. Last month some good things and some bad things has happened. My sister and her family came and visited us for Christmas which is always a good thing (Love you Cindy, Sam, Jeffery, and Elizabeth).
Speaking of Christmas, that was an interesting day. I was heading home to make Amy's call home when I slid on some ice and crashed my car in a ditch. Luckly no one got hurt.
My annervisary of the day I came home from my mission has come and gone. It has been over 4 years since I have been home.
I am also back in school. I am taking some family study classes, an auto mechanics class, a stress managment class, and an avaition class. So far they are all pretty good and I like them. And I am actually excited because I have gone to every class every day.
I am also still working at ups and I am about to hit my year mark with that. I have mixed feelings about tha. I look forward to the pay raise and now I will be able to have some paid time off. But I was wishing that I would have been at a better job by now, and moving on with life.
That is about all that is new, everything else is about the same as they were before, if not better.